I am 28 years old today. The excitement over my birthday is not what it used to be. I still want to celebrate it, but it's not quite the same.
A couple of weeks ago, my mother pointed out that when she was 28, I was already 2 years old.
I too planned on already having a child by this point in my life, but things don't always work out the way we want them to. Sometimes the universe has a different path we need to take.
I've been struggling the last couple of weeks as we try to get the house ready for the home visit and try to work on our profile that will be shared with birth parents. To put every ounce of who you are into something that seems so far away is very emotional.
But there are things that give me hope. Talking to other adoptive parents who at one point felt the exact same way as me, but now have a child in their arms - that gives me hope. Folding a blanket that will one day belong to my child - that gives me hope. Some people might say that it's strange to start buying things already, when we haven't even been matched, but I feel like I have to do it. It makes it feel real to me. Something like, "if you build it, they will come." I'm building a life for my future child and it makes me feel like he or she really is out there.
Yesterday, we bought a rocker/glider for the nursery off of craigslist. Someday I will rock my baby in this chair and sing to him/her. We will sit in this chair and read I'll Love You Forever. My husband will lay the baby on his chest while they sleep. This chair means a lot, even though it's just a chair.