Hope brings.....

I don't think I ever posted about my newest tattoo here.   In January I made the decision that I needed a new tattoo.  Something that was meaningful to this journey and something to keep my heart at peace during the tough times of waiting.

The owl has become a symbol for us and Future Baby.  That, along with the word hope on my forearm is something that I can look at each and every day to remind me that all of my hopes and dreams will come true, when the time is right.


After signing up with Christian Adoption Consultants we started sending out our information to a couple of agencies they are connected with.  We asked to be presented to an expectant mother with one agency after seeing a situation on their website.   Then, we got notification of a baby that was already born and a lawyer was working to find adoptive parents for her.  It seemed like there was so much going on.   I was overwhelmed with sending out information, making decisions on what felt right, etc.
After some consideration, on June 4th we were getting our information together for the baby that was already born.  I wrote out the check for the application fee and looked at my phone for some reason.
There was a new email on our family email account, which we use for a lot of adoption related emails.

I opened the new email and the words, "you were her first choice" and "congratulations!" jumped out at me.

I couldn't believe my eyes... I walked towards our stairs and called for Brandon with a very shaky voice...  while I stood on the stairs and he stood at the top I told him "she picked us" and I started to cry.
He got me upstairs and started asking me more, but I couldn't even read the email fully, so I handed him the phone.   My step-son R was in the room and gave me  a hug.   I called my mom freaking out.

At that point, all I knew was that this expectant mom, that we asked to be presented to through one of the agencies, had picked us.

We made a phone call to our consultant and of course emailed the agency back. It was quite a whirlwind!
That night, I talked to the agency director for a short time and got a little bit more information sent to me via email.

A lot of things happened over the next couple of days... our emotions were on overdrive and we had a ton of fears.    After all was said and done, we decided to take a leap of faith and officially be matched.

I will say to all of you that with adoption, nothing is ever for sure until it is.   This amazing young woman chose us based on our profile and we will move forward with even more hope that this baby belongs in our family.  Things could still change, but believe me, I am hoping that this summer (early August), I'll be a mommy to this amazing baby.



Look for updates next week on confirmation of gender, due date, etc!  We are thrilled!

Paint goes up!

We finally painted the someday nursery!   Covering the dark green walls was a bit of a challenge, but we used some great paint and did two coats.   The walls are now a nice grey color.  



I don't try to look pretty while I paint, obviously....




yes, he painted shirtless.   Letting it all hang out on the blog :-)

 We also made a last minute decision to leave the closet doors off of the closet (they haven't been on in that room since the house was bought) and paint the inside of the closet a fun color.   Here it is!  With the tape still up...

I can't wait to get everything in and set up.   That way, hopefully it will scream - Baby, we are ready!

We did send a HUGE pack of required info and profiles to another agency yesterday.    Let's hope that we get a call very soon!

Another Year

It's hard to believe it's only been two years since we stood in my parents backyard, in front of our closest family and friends, and said our vows to each other. 

I feel like I've known Brandon forever - he was meant to be part of my life and I was meant to be in his.
There's no one else I'd rather be with... no one else I'd rather go through this journey with.

Changing our approach

I've been feeling a little lost.  Oh wait? Is that something new?

This road of adoption is unlike any other that I've taken.  When I tried to have a baby the "old fashioned way", I still felt like I had control.  I could take the right vitamins, I could time things correctly, I could take my temperature.    With adoption, what control do we have?   With the homestudy, we were DOING something.  When I created our profile, I had some control.  But during the waiting process, it feels a little like you just need to leave things to chance.  Not a good feeling for someone like me...

And for some reason, at this point of time, I feel a sense of urgency.  It's like - ok, universe, we should have had our match by now.  We're ready!!   Maybe it's the fact that Mother's Day is this weekend and there is this hole in my heart.  Being a step-mother on this day is difficult, being a waiting adoptive mom this weekend is difficult, and I just want God and the Universe to hear me.

So, I've done more research and had more talks with friends who have gone through the process of adopting an infant.   I have talked with a couple of professionals in the adoption industry and at this moment in time, it looks like we are going to move forward with a consultant.   They will hold our hand through the rest of the process and will connect us with multiple agencies to send our information to.   The hope is that we will match quickly and our baby will be with us soon.

It's scary to take another step, to pay more money, and to keep hoping.  But what other choice is there?   I know in my heart that I'm meant to be a mother and that our baby is out there.  We just have to find him or her.

And thank you to my dear friend, who I haven't met in person, but who knows this road (stepmom and adoption).   
She wrote to me:

Please hear me when I say this: YOU ARE A MOTHER IN EVERY WAY THAT COUNTS. I mean it. You may not get recognition from many people for it, but you love your stepsons and you mother them daily. That counts.
It does.

So to all my friends who may not be mothers biologically, whether they mother their spouse's children or they mother foster children, or they are mothers through the miracle of adoption: Happy Mother's Day.
And for all of us that are still waiting to become mothers - let's believe that this is our last Mother's Day with that hole in our heart.

Some more "hurry up and wait...."

This waiting period is an interesting thing.   We heard about a last minute situation and scrambled to get things together to mail to a lawyer.   We were not chosen.   We heard about another situation and took a week to really gather things and feel good about what we sent.  This time, the baby was lost.
I have cried each time.
Each time, I hope and hope that we will receive the call that says "you're going to be a mom".  

I have begged and pleaded with the universe; telling anyone that will listen that I'm ready.  
I have asked "where is our baby?"

I still have no answers.

We stay really busy with lots of things.
Last weekend we volunteered twice in one day. 
We spent the morning with Brandon's companies huge efforts across the country.    We are window washing pros after 3 years of it!

We spent the afternoon with RESOLVE at their Midwest Family Building Conference.   We learned so much while we were there last year that we decided to give back.   We filled in where they needed extra volunteers and we even saw a couple that we recommended the conference to.

We are planning a garage sale to do some adoption fundraising.  If we can raise enough for potential travel costs or part of our finalization costs when the time comes, I will be so happy.
We have already seen such amazing generosity by friends and by strangers.   The sale is turning into something huge and we are blessed to have so many people who care enough about us to help.


This week is also National Infertility Awareness Week.    Although adoption is the right path for us, I will probably never forget the pain of knowing that I can't get pregnant.   I'm thinking of all my friends who struggle with infertility and wish them peace.

Touching words to remember

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD
Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown



The Gift of Life

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Choosing to Cloth Diaper

Did you know that Disposable diapers take at least 500 years to break down?  What about the fact that 18 billion disposable diapers are sent to American landfills every  year?   My first thought is "Ewwww".  
These were a couple of the facts shared by  Whole Living Magazine's April issue.

Luckily, I had already made the decision to try cloth diapering before reading this.
I will admit that I'm not perfectly "green", but I do try to make a few differences in my life.  I will joyfully admit that I use reusable menstrual products.  I know it freaks people out a little, but after doing some research and talking to people, I learned that it's so much better for me, our city sewers, and the Earth in general.  Since I already do that, it isn't a huge leap for me to use cloth diapers.

I'm still in the midst of doing a ton of research on which diapers to use, which detergent to use, the best way to store dirty diapers, and many other details.   We did stop into a local natural baby store to look and ask a few questions. We walked out with a dozen prefolds and 3 diaper covers - just in case we need them in the near future or for an unexpected quick match.  I must say, I'm excited about the covers because they are pretty darn cute.

My favorite one we bought has little owls on it.   Some of you know that I have a new obsession with owls, since we will be decorating the nursery with them.  

http://www.thirstiesbaby.com/products/cloth-diapers/duo-diaper/

If any of you have favorite brands, tips, etc to share - feel free to leave them in the comments!  I'm pretty excited about our choice to cloth diaper and look forward to growing my stash! 
Now I just need the cute baby butt to put in them.