Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What others say....

There's this phenomenon that keeps occurring when I'm talking to people about our adoption journey.   Sometimes it happens right away after they learn of our hope to adopt and sometimes it happens weeks later when they ask how it's going.  

They say to me, "you know, so many people get pregnant after they decide to adopt."

This has come out of the mouths of strangers, of fellow adoptive parents, doctors, friends, etc.
I was especially shocked when a coworker who has three children from Russia said it to me.  She said, "be careful, because a lot of people get pregnant" and proceeded to tell me stories of other people she knew who got pregnant right after bringing their children home.  

My answer is usually the same - "Oh I would love that, but it would be a medical miracle!"   They usually just nod, barely acknowledging that I even said anything.

Why do people feel the need to say this?   I understand that there have been cases where this has occurred. Sometimes people who have struggled with infertility do end up getting pregnant and sometimes it happens at or around the same time that they adopt.   But this is not something to expect, especially in our case.    
I don't feel the need to explain to each and every person that yes, although I have struggled with infertility, this time I really can't get pregnant, because Brandon has had the "snip-snip".   It's really none of their business and there are even a few people who have pointed out - it can still happen.   Really people? I know that it's possible, but what are the odds and why do you feel the need to say it?

Sometimes I wonder if people are so uncomfortable with the idea of adoption that they feel the need to hope for us that we will have biological children.   Or perhaps it's because they assume that adoption was our final stop in a long process of trying for a biological child and they want to keep my hope alive.

Either way, I'm a little frustrated by it.

I would love for them to say, "congratulations on adding to your family" and leave it at that.


  1. You know, this is the perfect phrase that people SHOULD say! I hear the same thing a lot of the time...and while I have this sad hope that it might be true...I wish people could just accept the journey that we're on.

    Either way, it's exciting for you guys, and I'm so happy for you!

  2. I love when people say "Well at least you'll have fun trying!" Or something along those lines when I tell them about our infertility... I hate that. =(