I haven't posted in quite a while. I was waiting I suppose to have some inspiration.
2011 is in our rear view mirror now and now, I feel like I can write a little.
Right before Christmas we thought we had a chance, but the birth mother was matched quickly.
Last week was the first time our profile was shown to a birth parent. We were asked if we wanted to be presented to a birth mother down in Texas who was due in a matter of days and we said yes. I went into a little panic because we didn't feel ready. I spent the night after the call washing tiny baby clothes and buying a diaper bag. I imagined that we would be getting a call the next day and our baby would be waiting for us.
However, the next day was spent worrying... no calls, no updates. I started to realize that we must not be the ones, because otherwise, we should be on a plane. At 5:30, while out shopping, I received a call from our social worker saying that we were not chosen.
Once I got to my car, I broke down. I spent the car ride home crying so hard I could barely see. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of disappointment that I did not expect. I wasn't ready to go in the house when I got home, to put on a smile for my step-son, so I waited till Brandon got home. I wasn't ready to put away the baby clothes that I washed, so I didn't. They sat in the dryer actually.
Brandon said, "this wasn't the baby for us. Our baby is out there." But it didn't make the hurt go away.
Now, with some perpective and time, I know some other family was made VERY happy that day, because they became parents to a beautiful baby boy. He was their baby. Ours is out there.
And now, I type this with a little caution. We received another call and our profile is being shown again today.
This time though, I am not preparing or running around waiting anxiously. I will just wait to hear... that's all.
If it's meant to be, it will be. I'm trying to act more like my husband.
The only thing I'm worried about is money and travel expenses, but if we are meant to be parents this time, it will work out. If anyone wants to donate.... well, you have no idea how it would make us feel.
Wishing you all a blessed year to come.