This week has been hard for me.
The urge to be a mother and the yearning that is inside of me just won't go away.
We received an email about another situation in Texas, but once again we had to say no. I won't give many details, but I will say that the fees were much, much too high for us. To say no to a child because of money is heartbreaking and it makes me feel like the universe is telling us NO.
Brandon tries his best to reassure me. He tells me that our time is coming and that we haven't been waiting that long. In my mind, I know that 6 months of waiting is just the tip of the ice burg for many adoptive families, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Luckily, I belong to an online community of women who have adopted or are waiting to adopt. They understand all of the feelings that I have and can say "yes, this hurts like hell, but I promise, there is an end." They say that when the time is right - when it is OUR baby out there, either the money will come or it will fit our adoption budget. I have to believe that they are right.
I needed a day to cry about the hurt, but then I got back on my feet. I started a twitter account to network, have asked friends to help in making some flyers (after I double check the legalities in our state), and have gotten back on the bandwagon for preparing for our future child.
Then this morning, after waking up and laying in bed, I started to cry. All of a sudden I was very sad. I had a feeling of loss that I couldn't explain.
Then I remembered my dream. I dreamt last night that I had a baby. Not only did I have a baby, but I was trying to breastfeed.
I'm ready to start a new week of waiting and have it be a better one. There is one good part of waiting - there is always hope that today could be the day that we get "the call".