Everyone keeps asking "how is the adoption stuff going?"   
I never know quite what to say because really, nothing is happening.    I know we are encouraged to stay proactive and not just "wait" but sometimes it's hard.       We put one of our adoption cards in every Christmas card we sent out, we continue to talk about our search to become parents through adoption, and I continue to hope.     But what else is there?

I am very lucky because Brandon is such a positive person.  He reassures me constantly that this WILL happen.  I WILL become a mother and he has no doubt in his mind.   But to be honest, I have lots of doubt. I have even asked myself in the past few weeks, "If I do not become a mother, what will I do?"    I have no answer really because I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.  There is an ache in my heart that Brandon will never understand because he has children.   The only people who can relate are those who are in similar situations - hoping and praying that they become parents. 

Now the holidays are upon us and I must be reminded that at most of the gatherings, I am the only one who is not a mother.  I am reminded that although everyone wants to give me a gift, I have no desire to have much, except a child.    

I have friends who have become pregnant and even connections in the online world that have become parents through adoption recently and although I am happy for them, my heart hurts a little each time I read the news.
I will do my best to remain hopeful though, because what else do I really have?  I'm not giving up.  

A Call

Yesterday I received my first call from our case worker at the agency about a potential situation. I listened calmly to her explain that another agency contacted them about a baby that will be born in about a month. She was asking to see if we would be interested in having our profile shown.

Unfortunately, it is a situation that Brandon and I were not comfortable with. We had to say no and honestly, it broke my heart a little. I know that this was not the right one for us and I know the baby will find a loving home, but still, I never thought I would say no...

I wish the best for the expectant mom, the baby, and the future adoptive family.

And I can only hope that another call, one that we feel good about, will come again soon.