Changing our approach

I've been feeling a little lost.  Oh wait? Is that something new?

This road of adoption is unlike any other that I've taken.  When I tried to have a baby the "old fashioned way", I still felt like I had control.  I could take the right vitamins, I could time things correctly, I could take my temperature.    With adoption, what control do we have?   With the homestudy, we were DOING something.  When I created our profile, I had some control.  But during the waiting process, it feels a little like you just need to leave things to chance.  Not a good feeling for someone like me...

And for some reason, at this point of time, I feel a sense of urgency.  It's like - ok, universe, we should have had our match by now.  We're ready!!   Maybe it's the fact that Mother's Day is this weekend and there is this hole in my heart.  Being a step-mother on this day is difficult, being a waiting adoptive mom this weekend is difficult, and I just want God and the Universe to hear me.

So, I've done more research and had more talks with friends who have gone through the process of adopting an infant.   I have talked with a couple of professionals in the adoption industry and at this moment in time, it looks like we are going to move forward with a consultant.   They will hold our hand through the rest of the process and will connect us with multiple agencies to send our information to.   The hope is that we will match quickly and our baby will be with us soon.

It's scary to take another step, to pay more money, and to keep hoping.  But what other choice is there?   I know in my heart that I'm meant to be a mother and that our baby is out there.  We just have to find him or her.

And thank you to my dear friend, who I haven't met in person, but who knows this road (stepmom and adoption).   
She wrote to me:

Please hear me when I say this: YOU ARE A MOTHER IN EVERY WAY THAT COUNTS. I mean it. You may not get recognition from many people for it, but you love your stepsons and you mother them daily. That counts.
It does.

So to all my friends who may not be mothers biologically, whether they mother their spouse's children or they mother foster children, or they are mothers through the miracle of adoption: Happy Mother's Day.
And for all of us that are still waiting to become mothers - let's believe that this is our last Mother's Day with that hole in our heart.

A Step-Mom Moment

I'll be honest. Sometimes, being a step-parent is hard.   There are ups and downs just like being a normal parent, but there is also the realization that if something were to happen to your spouse, you're no longer a part of that child's life.   This became quite the reality when I lost my relationship with my ex's daughter.

Youngest Step-Son and I were talking the other day and I had to explain to him that I'm not really his legal guardian.  He asked me lots of questions about what this meant for me and for him.  He also asked how it relates to the new baby we will add to our family someday.   

He asked, "If something happened to Dad, would you automatically get his part of custody?"    I told him no.. that's not how it works, but that I could ask to still see him and his brother and if I needed to, I could even ask the courts.   

He responded, "I would fight to see you."

This child is amazing.  At not even 12 years old, he has decided that if his dad left this world, he would actually fight to stay a part of my life.   The thought makes me want to tear up a little now, because I never thought we would have a relationship so strong.   Moments like these make me realize that every struggle is worth it.