Some more "hurry up and wait...."

This waiting period is an interesting thing.   We heard about a last minute situation and scrambled to get things together to mail to a lawyer.   We were not chosen.   We heard about another situation and took a week to really gather things and feel good about what we sent.  This time, the baby was lost.
I have cried each time.
Each time, I hope and hope that we will receive the call that says "you're going to be a mom".  

I have begged and pleaded with the universe; telling anyone that will listen that I'm ready.  
I have asked "where is our baby?"

I still have no answers.

We stay really busy with lots of things.
Last weekend we volunteered twice in one day. 
We spent the morning with Brandon's companies huge efforts across the country.    We are window washing pros after 3 years of it!

We spent the afternoon with RESOLVE at their Midwest Family Building Conference.   We learned so much while we were there last year that we decided to give back.   We filled in where they needed extra volunteers and we even saw a couple that we recommended the conference to.

We are planning a garage sale to do some adoption fundraising.  If we can raise enough for potential travel costs or part of our finalization costs when the time comes, I will be so happy.
We have already seen such amazing generosity by friends and by strangers.   The sale is turning into something huge and we are blessed to have so many people who care enough about us to help.


This week is also National Infertility Awareness Week.    Although adoption is the right path for us, I will probably never forget the pain of knowing that I can't get pregnant.   I'm thinking of all my friends who struggle with infertility and wish them peace.

Touching words to remember

LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD
Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.

Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
---- Unknown



The Gift of Life

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Choosing to Cloth Diaper

Did you know that Disposable diapers take at least 500 years to break down?  What about the fact that 18 billion disposable diapers are sent to American landfills every  year?   My first thought is "Ewwww".  
These were a couple of the facts shared by  Whole Living Magazine's April issue.

Luckily, I had already made the decision to try cloth diapering before reading this.
I will admit that I'm not perfectly "green", but I do try to make a few differences in my life.  I will joyfully admit that I use reusable menstrual products.  I know it freaks people out a little, but after doing some research and talking to people, I learned that it's so much better for me, our city sewers, and the Earth in general.  Since I already do that, it isn't a huge leap for me to use cloth diapers.

I'm still in the midst of doing a ton of research on which diapers to use, which detergent to use, the best way to store dirty diapers, and many other details.   We did stop into a local natural baby store to look and ask a few questions. We walked out with a dozen prefolds and 3 diaper covers - just in case we need them in the near future or for an unexpected quick match.  I must say, I'm excited about the covers because they are pretty darn cute.

My favorite one we bought has little owls on it.   Some of you know that I have a new obsession with owls, since we will be decorating the nursery with them.  

http://www.thirstiesbaby.com/products/cloth-diapers/duo-diaper/

If any of you have favorite brands, tips, etc to share - feel free to leave them in the comments!  I'm pretty excited about our choice to cloth diaper and look forward to growing my stash! 
Now I just need the cute baby butt to put in them.

Rough waiting week

This week has been hard for me.
The urge to be a mother and the yearning that is inside of me just won't go away.

We received an email about another situation in Texas, but once again we had to say no. I won't give many details, but I will say that the fees were much, much too high for us.      To say no to a child because of money is heartbreaking and it makes me feel like the universe is telling us NO.  

Brandon tries his best to reassure me. He tells me that our time is coming and that we haven't been waiting that long.    In my mind, I know that 6 months of waiting is just the tip of the ice burg for many adoptive families, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Luckily, I belong to an online community of women who have adopted or are waiting to adopt. They understand all of the feelings that I have and can say "yes, this hurts like hell, but I promise, there is an end."   They say that when the time is right - when it is OUR baby out there, either the money will come or it will fit our adoption budget.   I have to believe that they are right.

I needed a day to cry about the hurt, but then I got back on my feet.  I started a twitter account to network, have asked friends to help in making some flyers (after I double check the legalities in our state), and have gotten back on the bandwagon for preparing for our future child.

Then this morning, after waking up and laying in bed, I started to cry.  All of a sudden I was very sad.  I had a feeling of loss that I couldn't explain.
Then I remembered my dream.    I dreamt last night that I had a baby. Not only did I have a baby, but I was trying to breastfeed.      

I'm ready to start a new week of waiting and have it be a better one.  There is one good part of waiting - there is always hope that today could be the day that we get "the call".   

Nursery Project!

As some of you know, what will become the nursery is currently my older step-sons bedroom.
We decided that when the boys are here, they will share the larger bedroom in our upstairs.    The nursery will be the small bedroom.     Obviously, because this will be my first baby, I am VERY excited about decorating the nursery.  I have been thinking of ideas for months, but before we could get going on many projects, we had to do something horrible.
We had to remove wallpaper.
Now, I've done this chore before and knew that it would be difficult.   Luckily though, only one of the walls in the room had wallpaper on it - in the form of a jungle themed mural.

On a whim, Brandon and I started to rip down what we could on Sunday.    It was slow going and I was getting annoyed.   On Monday, we decided that we needed to use some hot water.   This did the trick!  It didn't take much once we sponged hot water on, then scraped it off.

Here are just a couple of photos of me working on the last little section.

And no, I will not be keeping those dark green walls... or the very dark green carpet!!

Nothing new on the adoption front

I cannot believe it is March already.   Soon we'll be hitting the one year mark since we started researching agencies, going to informational meetings, and starting the process of the training and home study requirements.
We have been officially home study ready for over 5 months now and we haven't heard anything lately.

Working with two agencies, one local and one in a different state, I thought we would start hearing more.   We haven't.  Not since I last wrote about the couple possibilities that didn't work out.
Between telling everyone we know, posting our video, continuing to update our Facebook page and hand out business cards, I don't know what else to do.   I just hope to get "the call" someday soon.

Meanwhile, I find myself still pushing to get the house ready.  We are getting closer to the point of being able to ready the nursery and I have taken on the additional project of redecorating our bedroom.

My older step-son was in a "Readers Theater" play and did a wonderful job.  Now, we're going to surprise the kids with tickets to a local dinner theater in about two weeks to see Hairspray.  Hopefully it will be a fun night for the four of us.

I'm going to try and update the blog with some pictures in the near future too. The boys are turning into young men now and are so tall and grown up.  I'm pretty sure both of them have a slight mustache now....

Happy Valentine's Day

I have seen a lot of people posting online about Valentine's Day being a holiday that was made up by the card industry and I won't deny that it seems a little silly to only celebrate love one day a year.  Why not celebrate it all year long?     However, what's wrong with a day dedicated to love?

So today, I dedicate this post to my husband.  The amazing, loving, caring man that I get to share my life with.   Sometimes I look at him and am just amazed that he is sitting next to me...

the hottest picture ever from our wedding day

We aren't opposites, yet we compliment each other.  My weaknesses are his strengths.  He is calm, he is always hopeful, and he doesn't give up.  He has such a positive attitude in what I see are the darkest times.   He is a wonderful dad to his two sons and I know that he will be an even more amazing father to our child.

So Happy Valentine's Day to my best friend, my partner, and my soul mate.